The Relaters Manual

Old School Coaching For The Modern Man

The BIG Different Between Judging and Preferences – This Is Critical For A Great Relationship

judging and preferences, relationships, boundaries, dating advice,

Today I’m going to be discussing the difference between judging and preferences.
There happens to be a big difference between judging and preferences. The ignorance of this distinction gets in the way a lot with two people relating and getting along.
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So, I’m going to discuss the difference between judging and preferences and the reasons why one is better than the other and what you can do to pull yourself out of judgment and decide to make it a preference whether you like something or not.

So, here we go…

Judging tends to be made quickly and it’s based on emotions. If something really fires you up and gets you heated that tends to be more likely to be a judgment. It’s often what is called being “triggered”.
As an example, that could be something you see on the news. We hear about a terrible story, someone murders someone else and we’re immediately triggered.
We’re angry and feel really bad for the victim and start having negative feelings toward the perpetrator, or the one the new says is the murderer, and we can even have feelings of real hate toward them from the small bit of information that we’re getting from the TV.

With judgments there’s also a lot of use of the word “should.”

So if you find yourself thinking, “Oh well this shouldn’t be happening, that shouldn’t be happening, they should be doing this instead, they should be doing that” that tends to be a judgment.
Now a preference is different and it’s based on a certain thought process that has taken time to develop.
You filter your experiences through a critical thought process and come to some conclusions about what you prefer or not what you like or dislike and that’s important.
Now if we go back to the news report where someone murdered somebody else, where you can avoid going into judgment is doing your best not to get emotional.
Be aware that you really do not like this and in fact, hate that it’s happening, but understand that it is happening, it did happen and things like this have been happening for thousands of years.

It does put the event into perspective.

You still acknowledge that it’s a horrendous act, but you are not judging. You are not using your emotional energy to invest in a new story that doesn’t have anything to do with you personally.
It’s very important to get to the point where you can separate your thought process from your emotions and be able to discern what you like and dislike and still accept the situation the way it is.
Now when you’re judging something, you often times have very limited categories. When you’re judging someone, a small amount of information will conjure up a very strong emotional response.
Then you’ll have a desire to label the event or the person and have them put into a certain category in your mind.

Then, that’s where they stay.

A judgment limits your own perception of another person or event and ultimately it does shut off possibilities for you.
As well, when you look at it as a preference you still may dislike the person, you may dislike the event.
You may even hate it and have revulsion toward it. However, if you can accept the fact that it is happening that it did happen, you stop being a victim.

You take back power in the moment.

You still may not be able to do anything actively to prevent it. However, when you accept the fact that it’s happening, you can at least step back emotionally and it won’t grab you.
That way you can save your life force energy for something that could be useful.
Judgments get lodged within your own psychology and your own energy field. That’s a problem.
That’s what steals our vitality.
And that’s what makes us old before our time.
It takes a lot of strength and maturity to be able to look at something or someone and really intensely dislike it. And then still not be emotionally charged by it.  Or at least not for very long.

It’s not easy to do. It takes a lot of practice.

Most of the time, it takes many years, but the great thing is we usually have an opportunity to grow and mature in this way every day.
So I encourage you to find a way to stand back and notice that you do not like something.
Or you do like it and own that.
You’re allowed to like or dislike something and not be emotionally charged by it.
Then you can decide that you prefer not to be around it, not to deal with someone like that. Or not to be put in that situation or put yourself in that situation; whatever it might be.
Now in reference to women — it’s very important to understand what your preferences are.
When you’re judging; when you judge, it’s usually because you’ve gotten a little bit of information and you’ve just decided that she thinks in a certain way or she’s a certain kind of person.
So you’ve labeled her a good girl or a cheerleader type or whatever it is. And women really don’t fall into any of those categories.

In fact, most every woman has a little bit of all of that. And we don’t think like men.

So that’s really important to remember.


Women do not think like men. So what’s most important to understand is your preferences in women.
Not just appearance, but what kind of woman do you like? And what are her interests?
They must align with yours to some extent as a man and as the leader in the relationship.
You need to know what your preferences are. What’s the structure of your life?
What do you prefer to do? As well, what are the things that you like?
A woman might say in the beginning that she doesn’t like something, but if she likes you enough she can be persuaded.
So it’s just something to think about, but the most important thing is not judging women and to know your own life.
Ask yourself what you like about your life and what you want in it and what you don’t want in it.
When you know that you’ll attract a wonderful woman. And if she’s compatible with you, she will adapt and you’ll get along great.

But it all starts with dropping the judgment and knowing what you like and don’t like and being able to communicate that honestly.



So I hope that’s helped thank you for listening and reading.

Have a very sensual day, Dyann Bridges xoxo


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I’m always open to feedback and love hearing from you gentlemen.

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